I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
