The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
