when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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