Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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