i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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