kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
