my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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