Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
