I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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