he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
