Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
