Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
