I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize