My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
