I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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