So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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