I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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