i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
