You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
