Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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