I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
