she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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