I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
