I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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