I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
