I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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