i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
