So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Im part way to drunk.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
