and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
