I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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