Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
