I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
