So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
