You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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