News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
