I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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