Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We need a shit load of segways right now
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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