I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I smell stomach acid.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
May the power of my ass compel you!!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
