A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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