Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
