How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
