my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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