I think I died a long time ago.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
