I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
