Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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