i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
