Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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