i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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