We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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