Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
