so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
