I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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