this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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