apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
