I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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