the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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