Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
