So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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