Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
