No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
