Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
