Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize