Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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